What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 07:27
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I waited trembling.
What types of cushioning does Nike use in their running shoes?
Who then, do I blame.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why is my elder sister so mean?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i do to all so called friends.?
When she asked me how she looked .
I have BPD. Why do I destroy everyone I love?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She loved him until the end.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But it wasn’t much.
We all went to grammer schools
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I have no regrets .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So whats the point in blame.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was scared of men, in general
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I said to her
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My family never makes their pension either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But, we were locked up after school.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One cannot live in the past .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She married twice! .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He knew the spot.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
What did i know ?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im still living with it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was seconnd youngest,
And i lived it daily.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Was to survive, this bastard.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was 9 years of age.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Ive learnt so much.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So, i spoilt her more .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was very sick at this time too.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I don,t even have a pension.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Comes on , in middle age.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She found it foreign!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Would this be the day?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was in good health!
It was going to be , some day.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Put me off passion for life!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My life is so biszare .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
This is soul school!.
All the time i was locked up.
I will be 64.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I write beautiful poetry .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But ive been too sick for many years..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were not on the streets..
I think the readers, may guess!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!